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Who I Am

You wont find me with my bible sitting in the first row You’ll sometimes find me lifting my hands just to put on a show I sing in the choir but my heart is always being pulled out the door I haven’t in a while let the holy ghost fill me so I fall on the floor I cant go fully in the world because of the life here that I have made I cant fully give it over to him cause in a way I am still afraid I want to have everything to be okay and just to have peace But I know that because of my sin that I will never feel at ease You ask if I am a backslider and why I am with out the only one that truly loved me For some reason I cant answer that for you and that’s the reason that I am not free I want pity from no one because it was only my doing that caused this I needed the hand of god on my life and that is one thing that I really do miss He is something that I don’t deserve and I know that I never will To me no matter how hard I try I know I never will become for filled I want to live a life of love and just serve him with all of my heart I have done this before and half way through it I always fall apart Yes I want that high of knowing that I just do not care But no I don’t want that feeling of knowing that through it all no one is there The path that I have chose now is not even a path at all I just stand at the middle of the road and wonder where is my call I look around and see people that I have grown up with and suddenly find myself hating them I am filled with such resentment and ask why I have not one friend The same people that I once thought so highly of and wanted so badly to become Are now the people that I have lashed out at and I have cursed every last one I glance back and remember the one that I used to be Now all that I can say is that the one I am now is not me Freedom is what I long for each and every day But lust is what I want and that feeling of knowing that I did it all my way I am drawn to the rawness of sin and all that it is to me But I deeply realize that to live in sin is something that only brings you down on your knee So what to do at the end of this horrifying night Where all I do is just try and find ways to do things all right How will I ever walk freely when I am trying to run threw out this sand How will I know what is me or can you tell me who I am

Copyright © | Year Posted 2005

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Book: Shattered Sighs