What Will One Day Drive Me, From Society

I greet each day the very same way. It's A Great Day To Be Alive. It's a positive way to begin your day, but for me, it's so I can survive. Waking up is a struggle. Way too much trouble. Not waking up would certainly be a break. Too much damage has been done. I'm no longer the strong one. How much more am I expected to take? Tragedy you see seems to follow me. The loss of loved ones seems to be tragedy's priority with me. especially with loved ones who are taken from me prematurely. I've lost Family & Friends rather rapidly. I've lost many to death, some to mental illness and others who simply ended up on the wrong path. It's A Great Day To Be Alive and reminisce those lost times when we'd lovingly embrace and all share a laugh. A drunk driver killed my oldest son. Schizophrenia claimed my surviving one, who now lives his life in an institution. My best friend committed suicide and women I fell in love with have also died. My Little Brother From Another Mother is also dead. I was by his side when he died in his hospital bed. I have loved ones who are presently still alive committing a slow form of suicide. Alcoholics, drug abusers but worst of all are the children I love who seem destined to fall. Casual friendly acquaintances have also gone to what many refer to as The Great Beyond. Ritchie pleasantly greeted me everyday, then he'd unload my trailer at the docking bay. We exchanged pleasantries one last time one day. 15 minutes later, EMS carted his body bag away. Craig is someone that I once knew. We worked side by side on a construction crew. Whenever any of our jobs would come to an end, we'd say, "Hope to work with you again my friend." A day that will never come because Craig's life came to an end when a heavy load of lumber collapsed on him. Bill Cashman died on Flight 93. I met him only once, but he impressed me strongly. Do you see where I'm going? It feels like I just can't catch a break. So I ask you, How much more am I expected to take? I know longer feel that It's A Great Day To Be Alive, so I've made a decision, I'm going to die. By that I'm simply saying that my life here is done. One day soon I'll disappear and start a new one. I want to live my remaining years in True Solitude. No more family or loved ones. Not even friendly acquaintances will do. In that way, all of my true loved ones that I leave behind will all live long joyful lives, at least in my mind. My final exit will one day come for me, but when I die I'll die alone, anonymously, in some remote wilderness away from society and everybody. My true loved ones won't grieve. They won't have any reason to. They'll live their lives believing, that I'm still living mine the way I sincerely want to. You may think this way of life a joyless, lonely one. You may be right but I'm convinced it's my only safe one. A solitary life is the only way of life available that works for me. Only when I'm home alone do I ever truly feel any sense of serenity, but then there's a knock on my door or my telephone rings and I'm faced with more tragedy. I sincerely can't take another loss. I feel it would be the end of me. Official Notice: Very soon, I will leave, I'll be gone I will "die" and sever my ties with everyone. Please don't be mad and please don't be sad. I'll still be living my life. I won't really be dead. True Happiness it seems is beyond my dreams, but True Solitude can offer me some joy and serenity instead.