What If

As I sit here in the darkness straining to see any light that is hope, will, and meaning. A darkness consumes me. As I give up what is left of my innocence’s. What was once my dreams. I no longer have to wonder what it will be like. I no longer have to fantasize about it because now I know its not all people say it is but it is something you’ll never forget you’ll always remember the first time. Always compare it to all the others . It will drive you crazy afterward thinking about it. But it will stop. Putting it all behind me now seeing that I was wrong for doing it. That it was not love but something often mistaken as it. Now as I think I become angry and wonder WHY and HOW I could do this to myself. What was kindness,compassion,and trust is now shyness,loneliness,and hate toward myself and everyone around me. Because I know that I can’t take it all back that everyone was right that I should have waited for the perfect time, person, and then love would have been apart of it not just mistakenness Now sitting still thinking about it all as I ponder