What I Have Left Far Behind

I walked knowingly into the trap as a boat sails over Charybdis. Afraid of showing tell-tale marks up and down my arms. I gave in to the lesser evil, went astray, searching indiscriminately for an escape. My search lead me to a certain type of website. Taking refuge in my libido, I removed my clothes, alone. My body laid bare, for the asking. My hands requesting to obediently serve, on anonymous screens, no compensation required. A grave and pendulous weight dragging between my legs. The cucumbersome weight of my cathartic defilement. A diseased organ between my ears. Caught in that black hole, my soul’s spaghettification. Time wore on, the unseen eyes multiplying. Demands getting out of hand, stretching even the limits of my self-destruction. “It’s 1:30 pm, gimme some lunch.” “It’s 7:30 pm, I’ve got a sweet tooth.” “It’s 11:30 pm, show me a story?” “It’s 3:15 am, help me get some sleep?” Even my pain drained away from me, as my insides had, without count. My soul, also ejecting away from me in fragments. The catharsis transmuted into self-hate, and so the coil twisted tighter, I’d mistaken that numbness for catharsis. Piece by piece becoming a useful, well used vessel. A brush with death saved my life. Seizing my mind and body in every sense I could illustrate. A convalescence began, seeding love. My once desolate heart, fallowed, now fertile. Love now sustains me. Though I’m a vessel still, but now for healing, knowing shame intimately, without terror. I bring it into the light, letting compassion overflow. Cycling forward to completeness once more, finally whole again.