What am I To Do
you died, and i didn’t.
and that’s the part i don’t know what to do with.
i still open my mouth
to tell you things and forget there’s no one listening.
sometimes i whisper anyway
because silence is too loud without you.
your voice isn’t gone.
it’s just stuck
somewhere between my ears and my ribs,
playing on loop when the world goes quiet.
i don't want closure. i want you.
i want the arguments.
your bad advice.
your dumb laugh during car rides.
your stupid way of loving.
i want to scream that you're missing
this ugly beautiful life you were supposed to be part of.
i want to wake you up from
whatever nothing you're lying in
and drag you back here because
i don't know who i am without
you watching me become it.
they say grief softens. but all i feel is sharp.
glass where your hands should be.
fire in my chest every time someone says your name
like it’s just a word
and not my entire insides falling apart.
i still talk to you.
because stopping feels like betrayal.
because forgetting feels like murder.
because if i don’t,
who else will keep you alive?
~~~
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