Wanting To Feel Again

I gave in again After holding back so long Retreating to my old habits Carving messages on my arm It's hard to admit now Because I have such a good life Yet I've lacked the urge to feel Like a black hole swirling inside Each night, raising the silver As it colors me red Digging to find emotions again While allowing the blade to shred I believe we were made for more Than going through life unhappy So I'd rather slice up my arm like cake than live life as a zombie It's not that I really want to cut But the pain is strong to entice And the endorphins that kick in: savoring Though my wrist must pay the price So i'll continue my routine Soaked deep in a stained sleeve But Shhh okay, they still think I'm happy So lets keep this between you and me