Vying For Dominance

Vying for Dominance … 16 is hard enough for anyone navigating adolescence… my 16 wasn't “typical.” …16, I simultaneously experienced a trifecta of physical, emotional, and mental illnesses, fueled by an onslaught of catastrophe and epic proportions. This doesn't include the onslaught of hormones that were dumped into my body… Add in sexual molestation, it was if a bomb went off. Sometimes I felt like there were two of me residing together… similar to The Cherokee parable of The Two Wolves… vying for dominance. Normal sadness, anger, mood swings, etc. seemed to morph into an unrecognizable me. Subliminally the good wolf watched over and shielded me, ensuring that my fears never overrode my reality. Peering into the bathroom triple door mirrors, I saw three images. On the left was the girl I knew before puberty, and the hurricane of hormones that invaded my body. On the right was a slightly out of focus woman I envisioned I'd become. I knew I would need to work hard to bring that woman into focus so she'd become my reality. In the middle I was caught in a kaleidoscope, transitioning and transforming into multiple versions of myself. Sometimes erratic twists into dark and ugly versions I abhorred and feared. Yet, most of the time there were fluid and smooth turns that revealed bright and colorful visions of me. A tiny voice filled with the promise, “this too shall pass.” I had no idea of the good wolf's presence, and how she embraced me as if I were her pup. She fiercely protected me, as I tried to protect my family and friends. The good wolf made sure that my fear of hurting others would never come close to my worst daymare. I have no idea when or how… completely unaware that I found myself on the outside looking in… my nose pressed against the window pane… aghast at the wolves fighting to dominate my life and… terrified the bad wolf, gathering remnants of traumatic events, the raging hormonal dump, and the unknown maelstrom of mental illnesses, would win the battle. Behind the window pane I helplessly watched as I struggled to keep these “aliens” at bay, so as not to inflict them on anyone. Thus, the need to protect others began as the need to protect them from me and the bad wolf's influence. The good wolf grew stronger and the bad wolf weaker. She drove the bad wolf to the boundary edges. The bad wolf stood on the precipice, its balance unsteady and precarious… refusing to accept defeat. She failed, the good wolf always had my back.