Utopia

A layer of my heart is shaved off every day, and no one is responsible but me Why do I turn to letters to break a heart? Can I not speak it with my voice? Is there a fear so deep within me that I cannot overcome it? A razor barely slicing the skin but the blood does not stop flowing Bleeding out forever I wait for the day when you approach me and ask, “WHY?!” I do not have an answer, will I then? My life on wheels with the radio blaring Just like turning my back on the truth, no matter how painful How can you let someone know that you do not feel the same as them without tearing them apart and making their main goal suicide? Have you gone too far if they have achieved that goal, or is it just something that “just happens”? Is it fair to say that I have been stripped of all protection in this? Guilt is the main course of my days now It’s like the feeling of having a hair dryer in your hand What would happen if you just put it in a tablespoon of water? Would everything be over or still float about in the air? Are my words too outstanding to believe? Do they invade the human mind as a parasite? And yet in the beginning I felt just like you So infatuated with the words I read from your very heart I must say now, that it is no longer that way Now the words from my heart are filled with nothing but excuses Am I ashamed? It is not clear to say A jagged future is what awaits us, how awkward it will be Is this not what you were expecting? No of course not, you were expecting love Which is something I just can’t give, it is not the time to make such a decision Sorry to have shattered your world but I cannot trust you with mine Should I feel selfish to this? I do not nor do I think I should It is only fair to say that I cannot give myself to you because of it, because of trust Not even the dimmest ray of sunshine can be found Darkness now roams the heart and conquers with a stabbing pain Hasn’t this happened before at some point in time? My chest has began to tighten, not allowing a breath to pass I am at loss for words to describe this feeling within me Is there even such a thing? There is no need to fly here now, for I have shredded your wings I am not afraid to admit my guilt, my ignorance, my truth There goes the tears, I can see it now, your tears I am now down to my very last breath With it, let me say, forgive me Written October 22, 2008