Understand Where I Stood
Good boy gone bad enters the stage with a spotlight overhead, despite being misunderstood in my ghetto neighborhood
The lonely applause celebrates in my cracked, corrupted, and crazed cranium
I exaggerate too much and so too much, it’s been..something in me is kinda numb
I feel dumb in my ill-sallow, isolative-shallow, and insipidly sullen skin
As goosebumps cave right in through the thick, in-between and thin
(Spotlight shines)
I want to truly win in your really difficult race,
Face-to-face with fastest glory and vast grace
Regrets, I bet,
Collect on my table-surfaced tablet
Like unpaid debts
Fallen further down below your net…
I don’t get your pitiless, penniless, slumlord-ish maltreatment
I will never give in to your resentment
(Shimmering signs)
Understand where I stood…
You did me little to no good
I know I have been a dumb, white boy…(for far too many fear-lurking, yearning-festered years)
My ex used me insidiously like a much-liked, manipulated toy (ran away with well-hidden, down-trodden tears)
It was so coy, naïve and stupid of me to be with that person
We did so much wrong to each other and both cheated a ton
It wasn't my intention; no, not at all,
Being in deception, a lift-failed fall
You told me to stand tall like an unbreakable, invincible wall
Well, now and before, I felt invisible and unbearably ugly, even when I made a stand exceedingly tall...dragged back in low levels with darksome devils, feeling anything negative, except handsome in a prideful, hateful approach, soon to be crushed worthlessly like a scuttling, rapidly-roaming roach...in need to be in helpful, hope-wrapped and honorable hands...at least I'm not arrogant, egotistical, or narcissistic, but I make a grand stand humbly and greatly all and all
(Stood amongst fines)
Sorry, I am such a bad person personally
You think I am pretty good and innocent?
I don’t think so – anyways, my so-called ex was just a huge, heartless fling
I thought that individual was my everything..couldn’t be more deceived
We both used each other for pleasure and sex…
Hence, minus the O, that someone “is” or “was” an X
Bad boy gone good exits the stage as the real-life applause sounds extra-rowdy strong - now, do you know where I stood?
Deep down, feeling like a sweet, black sheep…with a heart-beat so wholeheartedly deep with every beating like drums in the dead of night, what a fright beyond me and you tonight, but not everything is clearly black and white with our knight-like might;
However, we will be alright as long as we dwell together or afar off, being trustworthy and love-strong so fine, singled out by gracious evermore zealousness and more (jealous of others to the core or even in the slightest way possible, but my heart isn't completely torn apart and so are yours, an abstract art and I'm a colleague of Free-verse Poetry that zips on by non-stop like fast-paced, quick-speeding cars as they drive on and on in their lanes of many abused and past-accusers in thoughts-musing train due to senseless and thoughtless words, along with embarrassingly harsh actions and unaccomplished interactions, leading nowhere without a single care and ending up being naught and caught up in reality's demise, holding it up high like a raise after an airborne, hover-vehicle rise upwards and dive downwards . . . . .
Drive and arrive with your head up above and below the surface where I stood in shards and pieces of something fascinating beyond realization...now, the filth-dirty, laundry-like depression piles upon my left-behind mind...I will come clean to you if you can be so kind and listen to my cries beneath me as I ascend above the clustered ruins of who I used to be.. ..
Now, I stand tall through it all in very vast and lightyear-blast speed of light all day and night, though my situations and the aftermath thereof of everyone and everything are challenging, contrite and uptight...I will leave my worries in the dust and bid you a goodnight, that, I must and I will, I trust without giving in to giving up in dawn to dusk lusts and will not be reduced to dust-deserted trusts...damaged drastically by demoralized decision-making and it's heart-breaking entirely (inner and outer effects and behind-the-scenes of my mania-marinated notions in proportions led to doing foolish, countless things, affected everyone greatly and unfortunately along the runway!)
I wouldn't be surprised if it was doing me more harm than good the moment I started understanding where I stood.
Where’s my shephard at? Where do I graze? Perhaps…in my own maze…
Caught in a craze of a trauma-drama daze when all my family split apart like a ribcage, letting loose the bizarre butterfly, misunderstood like I knew we would become, but flew in freedom's grasp once more, doing less harm and more good...
Metamorphosis took its role in a heartbeat and in mettling, marvelous motives on our most important parts
Spiralling...ascending again,
Feeling one plus a ten,
Which is an elevating eleven
Complete me and I shall surprise you by telling you in story-form where I stood, based a hundred and one percent on true events and feelings so brilliant and significant from infant to adulthood from bad to good - understand me as I begin...
(Ridiculous and random, but I stilll wonder where my self-confidence and motivation have been since 1997, the year I was born, even though "speedy Gonzalez" was what the mid-wives nicknamed me a long time ago....when I was less forlorn and not even tremendously torn like I was and am yesterday, today and tomorrow - someday, there will be no more insane-reigned pain and sorrow to borrow.)
Copyright © J.W. Earnings | Year Posted 2018
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