Unbearable Ends

It's just the thought that she's nowhere on this planet anymore. The feeling of unbearable sadness that smothers me to the core even at the slightest glimpse at pictures of yours. It's the way I have to grab my chest to breathe, because my heart feels like it's suffocating. I just can't believe she is ashes in a tin and no longer bones with glowing skin. That I have to dream about her burning to death over and over again. It's the cold feeling I get when I remember all the terrible things I ever said. Or the way I hear you saying weird funny stuff in my head. I am so broken, so very broken. I scooped myself out of bed this morning same as the previous days, only to fall to the ground because my conscience and guilt is pulling me down. I wrote you a letter only to crumble it up. Honestly what's the letter going to do if there is no mail service that goes above. I will make something beautiful from this pain. I will try to not break down when I hear your name. I will try to remind myself that it's normal to feel this lonely pain. The space in my chest you left will forever remain, but one day I will be able to smile when I say your name.