Tug Uf War

I dont have a definition for it or even a name for it. Could it be happiness, normality, contintment ? I dont know if this is real? It could be a medically induced Norm? Is it just the feelings that live so deep inside of me that there locked behind some wall of medicine? I have never felt this way before I dont know how to deal with this tug of war on my soul. My rage and addiction is still there. I can feal it pulsating inside me. These narcotics are the gate keepers to the fortified abyss of my psyche where these feelings still live and breathe waiting to explode in a disgustingly beautiful display of rage and emotion. I have felt this way for so long to feal normal scares me. I feal like a newborn in a sea of sharks like I was cast out of Sparta for not looking the part. For me this gradual transformation is more like torture. I would honestly rather live with my inner demons then be classified as normal. What is normal !!? Who is in charge of classifying anyone as normal ? How can anyone put a moral classification on anything of normality!!? Thats like me saying your not normal for not feeling the way I do or acting the way I do!! That is insanity in itself.