Tom Bell Poet Burlesque

Tom's Trashy Tid-Bits

Yes, folks, it's happened again; the trash compactor backed up and spewed out 
all the following nonsense;
How come you only hear the term "scutch" in a hospital? "Come on scutch on 
over to the gurney.'  And that word, gurney, sounds like a 12 year old baseball 
player.
I don't get no respect!!  Even the devil is trying to exorcize me from my home!
And my mailman, he knows about my financial problems, he just tosses my bills 
in the trash, with a jolly smirk.  I wanted to go to the Army to go to Irag- they said,
yeah, sure, and they paid my fare to Osama Bin Laden's Camp!
For Valentines' Day I get Sympathy cards!!  I cook hot meals for my dog, but he 
won't eat them, after he sees how sick I get from them.
I love thunder and lightning- everyone tells me If I get struck, it'll be my closest
experience to being alive.
I told my girlfriend, the ex-bride of Frankenfuter, that I ordered an organ.  She said,
"Good"- she's tired of feeling like a nun.  Then she asked me to teach it to her 
brother!!
This is true, and truely embarassing; no one ever told me how to put on a 
prophelactic- I unrolled it first.  The torture was so bad I gave up sex for ten years.
(And unfortunately, my potential partners extented that for another ten!)
How come VCRs only work at 12:00?
Every Ambulance I take, the drivers make me pull it!  And they want me to carry 
them on the stretcher.  Then there is that "Bath Fitter" commercial, it might be just 
local, I don't know...These guys put new plastic facings over tubs, shower walls, 
etc.  But, what I don't seem to understand, this woman, homemaker, comments 
that she's so pleased, whenever she has company, or any visitors, the first thing 
she always does, and seemingly, ever did, upon their arrival, was to take them to 
her bathroom for a tour.....Am I missing something here?  I sure ain't gonna' visit 
HER!!!  She ought to be examined....
I always thought a parody was a talking bird with marginal school grades.
And so we end for the night, sleep tight....

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