To Remember What I'M Trying To Forget

Maybe if I sleep ill remember, but I’m trying to forget. I don’t remember what I’m trying to forget and I cant sleep… I’m so tired. But I cant sleep. I can feel it coming, but it doesn’t. My eyes close, but my mind wont shut off even when I say Shut Up! I can still here myself. When I don’t participate thoughts become negative. When you see me, I’m not looking at you. I’m looking through you. I’m not there. I cant be. I cant be one place to long. I had to make my world. I go there all the time, but I don’t even know what it looks like. I have to stay alert. Do I want to know what it is before it comes. I don’t know should I? I’m so tired. My vision blurs. I’ve been sick. I don’t feel well. Even the babies put only a small smile on my face. Insides a coal mine. Nothing. I cant breathe. Who could with a hundred pounds on their chest? It doesn’t hurt. I’m not even scared. When it comes back I wonder why. I wonder what kind of nothingness that would be like. Would I even know. I’d like it to be black. Music. No, no music. Just me. Alone. With a child’s mind. Know the voices in my head, but know it isn’t right. Sleep. Make it black. I can feel how alone it is. The comfort of no one. I don’t want my scream to come back to me. Not like an experiment. Actually no one. No one to see, hear, smell, touch a thing. Just me. Peace. Maybe. I don’t know. What would that kind of loneliness do. Who would know. Like Dean Koontz “The Door To December”. The girl might be someone of me. Someone id like to know. To be. Was it really a struggle? Maybe not. I don’t know. I just want to sleep. To see. To remember what I’m trying to forget. To breathe.