The Trap
Thinking back on my life; My regrets, my past.
I realize how early, I didn't have a chance
My legacy from the beginning... 'I am disgrace'
Mom with "the wood guy", determined my place
Nobody cared, the selfishness taught
Unnoticed or unwelcomed, just accept what you got
Hostile dysfunction, a trap laid for me
No other path...Doomed
to repeat, history
Constant blame; forged violence
All the lies; produced hate.
Consistently at war; showed my future,
sealed my fate
My life was a setup! No free thought ahead
Couldn't take much more...killed
My spirit, soon dead
'Unwanted mistake' echoed loudly, my mind
I'd silence those words! Leave all this behind
I thought I could forget
run away, be freed
From the selfishness, the belittling
the abuse...
I couldn't breathe
A teenage girl runaway, free on my own
Had no idea, how to survive all alone
I ran straight into harm, angry men to embrace
beaten and worn, hearing; 'I am disgrace'
Different jobs, various couches, obscure in my goal
the misery, those words;
always 'creeped', in my soul
Bad decisions, harsh realities; Destructive and deep
I broke down, broke free, abandoned all
I couldn't keep.
Thinking I'd learned something, with all I had been through
Processed my journey, a true life was now due
It took so many years to move on from my past
with love and support, thought I'd succeeded at last
A true life's forgiving but one lie I wouldn't shake
The sweet little daughter left behind,
I didn't take
Love for her, the only secret
I kept private, deep inside
Convinced this 'was' love, I now know...
I let selfishness decide
Years later a brave young woman, told a wicked story
with heart
Of a life full of pain, and mistrust from the start
I waited for the blame, for the anger deep inside
but only love surrounded, this amazing person
I'd denied
I had desperately tried to save her
from the trap, set her free
Instead jailed us, our life
without her...
without me
Her heart was too afraid, crushed again if I run
and that's 'my' burden alone,
I understand.
She's gone. She's done.
Shame overwhelmed me, the words; I am disgrace
My again broken soul, in her life now
had no place
I thought...
My family would be proud! They knew when I ran.
"The mistake, again unwanted. Will be back where she began"
"There's no escaping where you come from or, how you started out"
"Always lurking inside, we will creep... Don't you doubt"
NOOO...My story can't end there, I won't let evil win!
My goodness, in spite of them
stronger than my sin
With real love from my soulmate, at peace with guilt and shame.
He showed me my true value, that I am not the same.
I'll never get her back, but
moving forward comes each day
Just to know she's free and happy now, is enough...
I'll be okay
Selfishness taught from birth,
will decide, what you deny
See your value, face your demons...
trade acceptance, for the lie!
Running only delays,
your doom, your fate...the trap,
Only strength and eyes wide open
teaches history to adapt.
Not disgrace, not victim.....
...but an; 'I am truly sorry I didn't know better' but 'I do now' and will try to help others... Taught, Accepted and Learned Survivor!
Copyright © Okanagan Bell | Year Posted 2016
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