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The Terrible Waitress

The Terrible Waitress

By Elton Camp

The hostess met us at the door
We two had been there before
Thanks for coming again today
We have a table over this way

Menus she placed as we sat down
“Mary Lou will soon come around.”
The waitress had long, stringy hair
Dirty uniform showed no hint of care

We had sat there for quite a long while
But for customers, she showed no smile
To us, Mary Lou promptly began to yak
While her chewing gun she did smack

Tell me how are you guys doing today
Were the first words that she did say
We were annoyed at her way to greet
An elderly couple at their café seat

“You guys” might be okay for some teens
Who were wearing tee shirts and blue jeans
Mary Lou didn’t seem to think it was funny 
When she said, “What will you drink, honey?”

“Honey” might be OK for a two-year old child
But at such familiarity I was really was riled
To the waitress I commenced right then to say
Please never speak to a customer in that way

Under the table my wife gave me a hard kick
I knew well the meaning of that little trick
It was a clear warning to me that I be nice
And I certainly didn’t want to feel it twice

When we both ordered the golden fried fish
Mary Lou said, “Oh, that meal is so delish.”
When customers give that order I delight
On the way from the kitchen to take a bite

It was an hour before she brought our food
I don’t want you to think that I was rude
But the call for your plates wasn’t clear
I finally saw them and brought them here

Your food may not be warm and fresh anymore
I know because this has happened to me before
The cooks working the kitchen are pretty lame
It’s not my fault.  They are the ones to blame

We had little time to eat when she spat,
“Are you two guys still working on that?”
Mary Lou appeared at our table very soon
Did I tell you that I only work until noon?

In only a few minutes my shift is complete
If you’ll give me my tip now, it will be neat
And next time in this joint you happen to be
Tell the hostess that you want to served by me

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