The Smile

My smile hides my story The one you will never see Of where pain destroys everything And will never set me free Of hiding in the darkness Watching the world exist Of looking back at happiness And my dreams I now resist Of running out of energy Even before I start my day Of answering ‘how are you feeling?’ With a shrug and ‘Yeh......I’m okay' Of returning party invites With ‘sorry I cannot attend' Of crying in the corner Screaming ‘when will this end' Of running away from friendships Rejecting help and attention Of losing out on making memories Too many times to mention Of making lifestyle choices Not for pleasure, but to combat pain Of climbing many mountains With nothing there to gain Of looking for the answer Never giving up hope Of battling through the turmoil And finding new ways to cope If I don’t answer your phone calls Or the messages don't arrive Please don’t think I’m ignoring you I’m just struggling to survive Living with this invisible demon Is slowly destroying me I’m not hiding behind a bandage As there is no scar to see (I must stress that this poem is about someone getting through through life with chronic pain/illness and not how I feel atm. I am totally fine ?? My illness has been with me for several years and I am away to undergo yet another operation and I have just been looking back at how I have coped ??)