The Mojo Trick

The Mojo Trick Loch David Crane June 1979 Sweat-sticky and hot! The P. I. is not a comfortable place to be; but sit here and perspire (as though by the fire) and I'll tell a tale to thee. I was coming alive in a Philippine dive after Mojo and San Miguels; the raging fire in my stomach went higher but my sea legs rode out the swells. I began with a pitcher of Mojo that hit a spot in my appetite; and glass after glass I drank till the last and soon was feeling just right. Then a hostess sat down in a low-cut gown and asked "I sit with you tonight?" And I nodded OK in a nonchalant way so she seated herself on my right. Now the hostesses here are all drink San Miguel beer And the same is served all around; but it don't show much class to charge five times' a glass when serving's the same size per round. So you pay a dear price to drink beer over ice which is how it is served in P.I.; if you buy a girl beer when she says "I work here," then she knows you're a Big Spender guy. So I looked at this girl and my mind began to whirl and the Mojo played a trick. Her face was so funny – a nose like a bunny – I wouldn't let her flick my Bic! I won’t call her ugly, but with that funny mug she'd make customers run and hide; you could send that girl in to a crowded room; then watch as horrified man stepped outside. So as I drank my beer with a grin ear to ear I said "My name is Billy, I think." She was hardly demure; she said "My name is La Tour. I love you no lie. Buy me drink." Well I should have said "no," and let the chick go but I wasn't alone in the place; and the thought of all night with this dog was a fright though her body was nice – but that face! I thought "just one more brew,” cause I'd only had two, and I said that I'd buy her a drink. Then she gave me a grin with her toothless brown chin and my self image started to sink. But because I was shy (I'm just that sort of guy) I just couldn't tell her to leave; so I stared at the band and I drummed with my hand and I brushed off the lint from my sleeve. Well the music was fine; but the bar girl's next line was to say "Are you married, young man?" And I saw my way out and lied with a pout – told her I had a wife in Japan. So she finished her beer, and was soon gone from here, and I ordered two beers to celebrate; I was lucky, I thought, not to get caught between her and a magistrate. For the Philippine girls wear long dresses and curls and use perfume and makeup for baits; for to marry a guy, seaman or G.I., means a free trip back to the States. Then a man from the crew asked me "What's wrong with you? Why did you let that girl go?" And I told him her face was scare spots off an ace but he looked back at me and said "No." I called for "beer 12" and started to delve into my pocket for money; my friend said "I'll buy," and his cash didn't lie, and "Mind if I sit with your honey?" I said "you can do just what you want to do," and I said that I couldn’t look at her; but he thought she was cute, had a nice bod to boot, so I nodded to go ahead after. But beer thirteen made my vision grow keen, and I saw what a prize I had missed; "I have drunk too much brew! She was beautiful, too." as I saw him voluptuously kissed. I thought "How could this be? She said she loved me! " My hand shook; my ice cubes went clink. I heard her say to him "My name is Tuptim. I love you no lie. By me drink." So I smiled. I was glad; I was no longer mad 'cause the Mojo had clouded my eyes; I realized then she was after my friend, and I hoped he was quick with his lies. So it's "sailor beware!" In Olongopo there; where the girls fish for guys in the bars; and though I often roam, I always come home, – single! Thanking my lucky stars. – By the Phantom of the O2 level (O1 and O2 are Officer’s and Civilians’ quarters on the USS Kitty Hawk; I taught English aboard several ships at sea, in the Program Afloat for College Education.)