The Gym

I looked into the mirror and this is what I saw Overweight, bloated and extremely out of shape Put me in a purple shirt And I'd look just like a grape The time had come to buckle down It was time to go get fit There's not a better time to go I figured...this is it So, I went in after work one day I had a "ONE DAY CENTER" pass They like to be called centers It seems to give them class I waited once I got there It was time to hide my pride I waited for someone else to come And help me get inside The door, well it was monstrous The sort of door a "center' needs I couldn't budge it with my pushing "The sign says Pull, sir....can't you read?" A girl, no more than twenty Helped me in..god bless her heart You could stick three feathers in her **** And she would be a dart She led me in up to the desk And then she went to change I was now inside "The Center" And it really did feel strange I saw a gym once, in a dream It was not like this at all This was wonderous, expansive The gym was like a hall A young girl came and asked me If I would like to take a tour I told her I would love one I didn't tell her about the door She showed me all the new machines The ropes and steps and balls The freeweights and the changing room The tvs and the walls She told me what they offered That most other Centers lacked I was looking for a way to leave Then she gave me a back pack "You get this free" she said for coming on the tour I told her thanks, but still inside I would keep quiet about the door I said I'd think about it I was not sure if it was me I was not really a "Center" guy I would rather watch tv She said maybe a session With a trainer would change my mind I said that I would do it There was a numbness in my behind The chairs were most uncomfotable I was squeezed in rather tight A purple grape stuck in a press That's really quite a sight She went and got a trainer And as I walked around the floor She came back wtih the little girl That I'd met at the front door She showed me the treadclimber Said it was easy on the knees It was easy to get started Using this would be a breeze I got on and got started Four steps made my head begin to spin I was really getting dizzy I really hated thin I got off...got some water She said we'd go try out the bike My butt cheeks hid the entire seat This was not something I liked Next free weights..now a man's toy I couldn't lift them from the floor Then she whispered "oops I'm sorry" "I forgot all about the door" She left to take a phone call I then went to have a pee I knew I could work the urinal Away from where prying eyes could see I went back and I joined her She chose to show me a machine It did most of the work by it self It was guaranteed to make me lean We talked for near an hour Then I went back to the desk I thanked her and sat down again I really just needed rest I listened to the payment plans As they were speedily thrown out I thought about my heart attack My bursitis and my gout I signed on as a member Vowing "no longer would I be mush" The one thing I'd remember Is to pull the door not push!