The Downward Spiral (With a Nod To Nin)

She sees herself suddenly as a small girl bare feet on the cold black and white tile little toes curled sees the white porcelain tub and how pretty the light blue water was so deep it almost came to her chin as she climbed in For hours she'd play with her dime store sailboat loving it though it would hardly float always taking on water listing, never level her wet skinny back hunched over shoulder blades like primordial wings every few minutes she'd have to shake the thing Trying desperately not to break the spell of pretend and when it was time to let the water out she'd always stay to watch the water drain weighing the emotional pain both fascinated and horrified, as the suction intensified, by the force of the water the unstoppable slaughter waiting for the inevitable rotation to begin the dizzying spin Slowly at first growing faster and faster a miniature cyclonic water disaster The dime store boat of course on its side circling faster in the relentless tide Then the drain would give a horrible belch much satisfied with itself. As she grew the tub got smaller with shallower water less and less room for pretend to bloom. Years later, dime store sailboat long forgotten, life having been mostly rotten working with the most cynical of cynics ER nurses bitter that it's more like a clinic runny noses and coughs that folks thought were urgent working hard to save those who were truly emergent Hearing from them the phrase: "circling the drain" memories suddenly flooding the brain almost able to feel herself as that young girl watching the sailboat beginning to swirl Feeling the blood drain, face going pale she sees vividly the boat with its bright red sail yellow hull and blue plastic deck fine hairs rising on the back of her neck She realizes now the fatigue of age is from fighting the pull with defiant rage The closer you get, the faster you spin and soon the dark whirlpool draws you in With a knowledge that seems to be purely primal she now understands the downward spiral And she knows that she will not put up a fight she'd rather go silently in the dark of the night And the dime store boat comes to rest on its side so it's all come full circle at the end of the ride. SADNESS ©Danielle White