The Bed I Sleep In
I am fixated on the parts of me that no longer believe that I am deserving
Deserving of an honest mind that doesn’t lie when you look at me and ask the hard truths that I’m still trying to deny
Am I selfish or selfless?
Sometimes I feel I deserve much less
Or maybe I get what I get in the process of trying to move on and forget
There it is
That’s me being selfish
I don’t regret you, but I don’t wish to remember the nights I held you
But you do and that makes me worse somehow
Worse than your temper and your fist hitting the wall
Telling me it’s all my fault
Again and again it’s all my fault
So I repair the holes and I apologize for your fist going through the wall
And no, it’s not a metaphor
Just nothing more than me cleaning up your mess as I have before
And as you leave me and slam the door I know you’ll come back later and ask me what my eyes are swollen for
And I’ll blame it on my allergies and say they got the best of me
When the sad reality is that I can’t get the best of you
But I’m the selfish one, right?
You say I never tried, never fought and never cared what you thought
The problem is that you only saw the little bit of good and never the things you didn’t do
You didn’t love me like a husband should
Didn’t comfort me with those hands that chose to create damage
You didn’t talk or look or touch me in a way that felt good
You didn’t have thoughts about right and wrong because you knew all along you’d choose your wants at the expense of my emotions
So I checked out to keep myself from getting closer than this
Closer than this.
How could I get any closer than being consumed by a phantom love?
Something I used to crave and never get enough of
I begged for a piece of you while you took pieces of me
So ask me the questions and I’ll play pretend while you blame me over and over again
I never did enough, but at least I tried something
You had every part of me and still said I left you wanting
What more do you want?
What more can I give?
What more can I try while you say I never did
So yes, maybe I am selfish
I finally chose myself at the end of this
And yet I still hesitate to realize what I deserve
A part of me doesn’t want to be honest because that part has lost this fight
When I look back I realize I have grown to a place where I could snap
I’m angry, so angry
Because it wasn’t me
It was the things that you lack
And when I lay down at the end of the night I think of you and the words you said
Words that would have a permanent home in my head
I may sleep in it, but you made this bed
Because you say you love me, but choose to hate me instead
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