The Ballad of Arthur and Mandy

A tribute to the late, great Victoria Wood x Arthur and Mandy sat one night When he gave her a dreadful fright Ripped off his jumper revealed his string vest Showing snippets of his hairy chest He looked at her with eyes ablaze Held Mandy in a sensual gaze He pushed aside his bottle of beer Put his false teeth in and Said with a leer Come on Mandy I'm feeling randy It's time to shake the moths away Can't remember was it last December That my best friend came out to play I'm imploring don't be boring Let's have a rough and tumble On the B and Q flooring Mandy please say yes tonight But she said Now look here you've had too much beer I don't like that glint in your eyes Your breaths not nice hands like ice This is no good for my thighs It's too much trouble you're seeing double You think you are Fred Flintstone but you're Barney Rubble Arthur, it's a no tonight But he said When we first met, how could I forget Mini skirt, high heels and thong You were such a temptress On the memory foam mattress How could I have got you oh so wrong I'll even take a quickie Please don't throw a sickie This is very stressful for me poor old dickie Please just say yes tonight But she said Lay off Arthur I don't fancy You baked, boiled or even fried You said you had money ha ha very funny Now apparent that you lied Not what I planned Go and use your right hand All conjugal rights have now been banned It's a massive no tonight But he said Mandy please I'm on my knees The viagra is just kicking in Feeling frustrated ages since we mated Why is it women always win Put on your nurse attire Set my soul on fire I promise I won't mention cellulite or your spare tyre Mandy just say yes tonight But she said Arthur this is no fun I really think that I'm done I'm off to bed right now alone Let me off the hook read a dirty book Call a chat line on your phone Go fishing wash the car Visit the strip bar I won't be leaving the bedroom door ajar No no no tonight Plus the headache is raging I'm very rapidly aging I've no interest in it anymore If you persist, top of my list Is to show you the front and back door I've had more than enough Of all this lust stuff My final word on this is Tough Im saying No tonight Just to add to all that I'm fed up of being a doormat I just want to be by myself Pack your bags today I wont get in your way Arthur you're now on the shelf I wish you lots of luck I hope you get a bit of relief! And though this may be way off course Arthur, I want a divorce!