Debbie Duncan Poet Rondeau

The Accidental Sea

The accidental sea
See how it washes over me.
How the waves struggle against the shore.
Leaving the sea far behind in its wake 
The clouds are beckoning them ashore.
The moon pushes them on even further
What secret knowledge holds it in place?
Kiss by kiss you uncover its secret
As we then partake in carnal knowledge.
She glides over him like a butterfly on its first wings.





 
The accidental sea.
See how it washes over me.
How the waves snuggle against the shore.
Leaving the sea far behind in its wake 
The clouds are beckoning them ashore.
The moon pushes them on even further.
What secret knowledge holds it in place?
Kiss by kiss you uncover its secret.
As we then partake in carnal knowledge.
She glides over him like a butterfly. 
As the moon watches over them from her perch. 
Watch how the waves snuggle against the shore.
For dark are the secrets we keep.


I want to know which version sounds better.  1 or  2. OR, Should I combine them? I wrote them Wednesday night  3 / 4/ 2015

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Cynthia Buhain-Baello May 23, 2015 at 7:19 PM Very good imagery and vivid lines. I find the second one more complete in thought and content, and the closing lines wrapped it up very well. ~~~Cynthia

Vincent Flannery April 22, 2015 at 3:46 PM Very nicely written with great imagery.

Richard Lamoureux April 22, 2015 at 8:21 AM I believe I prefer two but am left curious why you switched from the sea metophor to a butterfly one. The two ideas seem disconnected. "Me" "She" "Her" "He" "them" "we" also confuses the narrative as I have no idea who's voice you are portraying. I believe the idea has potential it just requires a bit more crafting. Please forgive me as I do not wish to seem harsh. Richard Lamoureux April 22, 2015 at 8:23 AM If not for your request I would not have added my comment but I felt you were asking for honest feedback. Out of respect for you I have endeavored to do that.

Charles Bernabi April 4, 2015 at 1:07 AM I looked up the meaning of rondeau and this is what it is: ''a thirteen-line poem, divided into three stanzas of 5, 3, and 5 lines, with only two rhymes throughout and with the opening words of the first line used as a refrain at the end of the second and third stanzas.'' Your piece doesn't fit that definition but nonetheless you have written a beautiful poem and of the two versions I'd say the second one is the one I'd keep as the added lines make it that much better. Thanks for sharing.

Andrea Dietrich March 28, 2015 at 10:45 PM I just noticed you calling this a rondeau. Why rondeau? It seems to be something else.

Andrea Dietrich March 28, 2015 at 10:44 PM the second one is better since it lets us know more information. One thing I find confusing is "she glides over him like a butterfly" is She the moon? And if so, why does she glide over "him" and not both of you and your lover? I love also how the second version ends with the repeating part. (use its without an apostrophe). I enjoyed this.

Duke Beaufort March 27, 2015 at 8:30 AM It's difficult to say. I can't decide. The extra three lines zoom me out to look at the love from a distance. It's a different perspective. The first version keeps me there a little longer in close contact. So there you have it. The second one changes the mood--not necessarily a bad thing.

Anne-Lise Andresen March 5, 2015 at 12:24 PM - Hey Debbie .... even more today, it pleases me :) - I've never written a Rondeau poem ..... but if I were to choose ..... I choose number one - I love the last line :) - But if you ask about "right or wrong" I can not answer you - Both are beautiful in my ears and eyes! - hugs // Anne-Lise :)