payton hixson Poet Free verse

Suspect Of My Own

I am the suspect in my own murder trial 
Every detail is written in the files
A little girl at the lake
A tragic mistake 
Or a daunting overtake
So when I'm on that stand I ask if I can lie
If I can protect what's inside 
I know my choices were mine
But in the back of my mind
There is a voice
Who says I had no choice 
I had to let her go
I had to take control 
And the judge is granting no parole 

I am the monster I created 
Her blood is on my hands
As I take the stand
I try to explain 
I had to hide her from the pain
She ran and hid
And somewhere deep within something changed
Something rearranged

 I lost my mind that day

As you do when you lose something 
you replace it
But it doesn't feel the same
The memories are gone 
The ugly and the found
Her body at the pond 
I hear the gavel bang
And those church bells rang
And I knew my sentence was due
And I knew
I knew I killed me too

I am the suspect of my own
Of the murder in my home
I took an oath
A beacon of hope
Some form of relief 
Buried in the grief

I had attended my own funeral 
I was the only person there
The only one to care
And as she was buried 
All the weight that she carried was on my back
The memories of the silent battle
 And the brutal attack 

Put me behind bars
If I escape I won't get far
My face is in the news
They solved all the clues
The puzzle of my brain
The sense and the insane

A Jane Doe on death row 
Is all I'll ever know
Because the method of murder 
Is like being a sheep herder
Tying all the loose strands and lying on the stand

I know she had to leave 
But part of me doesn't believe 
Murder is never justified 
If the victim didn't commit a crime
But her grave is in my head
My hands all red
I had left her for dead

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