Suicide Schemes

I wonder again why I have talked, uninterrupted Until I am blue in the face Convincing as I may be You still believe You're nothing more than human waste Empty threats, locked doors turn into quiet space So I kick and kick until the door breaks through On the floor I find you Anger such, an adrenaline rush But no sign of you cold and blue Different scene- you run straight out the door Staggering bleeding from the wrist you cut Eating poison to lure- me back in but How many times will I chase you out the door? I'm calling your name urgent Then tired and sore Because I've played this game too many times before How many more police reports? Worry turns to wonders of what this is all for And all you seem to want is more How many times for you A helicopter in the city Wasted time, attention, pity How many times will I let you back inside When your running came to an end and it became impossible to hide? Taking refuge back home you come inside Naked we get into the bathtub together "Let's get you all cleaned off." I take a washrag to the dirt and cuts on your skin with a touch so soft You begin to cry, a whimper so You hang your head No more defense The things you say begin to make sense And I realize you're back.. It's you! That sickening twist I never wanted to accept as truth Because that anger I tried to hold on to To show you that this I would not allow Was for someone else Surely it wasn't for you who is sitting in front of me now My anger and frustration melts into something much more pure Derived from the love that I have for you And you crave it Say "More, please more" How many more apologies will I accept? Or secrets from me should be kept? Things I say in one ear and out the other My patients wears thin I somehow always find a way to get it back again This poem was written 2012 Rest In Peace Nicholas D. Lovelace 5/21/88 - 12/07/16