Sorrow

See my heart stopped today and I felt it drop to my stomach, where 2 babies lay, Except now there 1 wasn't. I went to the doctor today and they showed me a screen, Of an empty pit in my stomach where my baby had been. I was having twins just 2 weeks ago and Baby A was just fine, While Baby B had a low heart rate and needed some time.. I Still have my daughter and I still have a baby inside. That doesn't stop the hurt that a part of me has died. She lit up the screen and showed me two sacs, One with a heart beat and the other.. Just black... I shook my head and I cried and cursed feeling broken, I knew the odds but still I was hoping.... I have no words to comfort my sorrows, I know that nothing will change come the sun rise tomorrow. "High Risk" That's what the nice doctor told me in person, Until after the first trimester where the odds weren't certain. I feel defeated. I feel hurt. I feel angry. Like somehow being this way, could save a lost baby? I'm lashing out because I don't know how to make it stop! I am furious and I'm heart broken, This rooms too hot. My mom held me, That's what mothers do, She rocked me and reassured me, Would you believe I'm nearly twenty-two?? I want to write about it, I want to get it off my mind, i want to be able to grieve without the "Give it time" I feel ashamed? I know that Nothing could have prevented this, I know sometimes "it's just not meant to be" Right now, I'm upset, and i know it didn't just effect me, I'm trying to see your side of this but right now i just can't do it, I can't see past my selfish thoughts or who's body is going through it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I need time alone... Theres a hole in the pit of my stomach, As hard as I'm trying, I can't rise above it. I'm sorry... My love...