Something Missing

I haven't written in a while, Maybe I couldn't find the words? More than likely im just sick and tired of never being heard.. I cleaned the house today like an addict on day 2 I just couldnt stop pacing and I desperately needed something to do. Tomorrow will be worse. I won't get out of bed. Consumed with doubt and regret.. intrusive thoughts live rent free in my head. I'm sure this is normal.. Just as it's meant to be.. Contemplating suicide while telling you how much you mean to me. I'm exhausted... I know I'm hard to love and you claim that I'm worth it.. I dont know how to tell you that I wake up feeling worthless... I take a hot shower and feel each drop cascade down my thighs. I feel like something is missing... Why do I feel so empty inside?? I wouldn't kill myself. I don't think that I could. No matter how hard it gets or how my mind yells that I should. But there's something poetic about the word suicide. Knowing you can close your eyes and leave it all behind. I'm just rambling I guess. I let you see inside my mind. If only you could see things the way I do. See the world through my eyes. I havent written in awhile but I guess I found the words. I got it all out on paper but damn it... It still hurts.