Remote Woman, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD
Remote Woman
Old Man Jim was 90.
He was simple, caring, and quiet.
He loved watching TV.
He thought some shows were a real riot.
One night he went for a stroll on Oak Street
and stepped on a Remote Woman on the road,
a TV remote shaped like a real woman, a TV remote with a woman voice and face not like a toad.
She begged and begged him
to take her to his abode.
Just before Jim opened his mouth to ask her
why was she out here?
Remote Woman explained: ‘My owner said that
I was too quiet so he threw me with no fear
out of his car window
while drunk on beer!’
‘Oh no!’ Jim shouted, very appalled. 'You see,
it just so happens that I need
a new remote. Mine just died on me
and you’re the right brand I need
so you can come home with me.’
‘Thank you greatly Mr.
I will go with you
and serve you the best I know how.
You’re totally nice so with you I won’t ever be blue.’
‘Thank you. A wonderful home you deserve.
You’re too nice and belong in a safe place
with me on the couch.
You can talk to me and my TV called Ace.
Please call me Jim. Don’t worry I won’t judge you.
I won’t throw you out the window or at the bookcase.’
In the living room
they were quiet; they talked a lot too.
‘This happiness is a beautiful thing
to watch,’ said Ace. ‘Ooh!’
They became best friends quite fast.
Just like he and his late wife Felicity had become.
Jim named the Remote Woman Kim
the same name given to his mum.
Jim liked heaps Kim’s small size. She wasn't cheap.
She was plastic and light.
And he liked a heap
her smooth black square buttons and he loved
her smooth round fire-hydrant-red ON/OFF (weep!)
button that flashed
and went, BEEEEEP.
Too he liked a heap
That her tiny electrical contacts were not
dirty or corroded,
and that her LCD screen hadn’t started to rot.
Years and years zipped by.
One night Kim stopped talking, stopped working, and 100 batteries had failed to turn her ON. Why?
Dead she was.
He felt extremely sad.
How did she die? Well, that wasn't hard to figure out.
Her circuit board had melted really bad.
What did he do with Kim?
Well, he buried her in the backyard with his dead wife
and with his dead hound named Slim.
Copyright © Matthew Herfurth | Year Posted 2024
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