Remote Woman, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

Remote Woman Old Man Jim was 90. He was simple, caring, and quiet. He loved watching TV. He thought some shows were a real riot. One night he went for a stroll on Oak Street and stepped on a Remote Woman on the road, a TV remote shaped like a real woman, a TV remote with a woman voice and face not like a toad. She begged and begged him to take her to his abode. Just before Jim opened his mouth to ask her why was she out here? Remote Woman explained: ‘My owner said that I was too quiet so he threw me with no fear out of his car window while drunk on beer!’ ‘Oh no!’ Jim shouted, very appalled. 'You see, it just so happens that I need a new remote. Mine just died on me and you’re the right brand I need so you can come home with me.’ ‘Thank you greatly Mr. I will go with you and serve you the best I know how. You’re totally nice so with you I won’t ever be blue.’ ‘Thank you. A wonderful home you deserve. You’re too nice and belong in a safe place with me on the couch. You can talk to me and my TV called Ace. Please call me Jim. Don’t worry I won’t judge you. I won’t throw you out the window or at the bookcase.’ In the living room they were quiet; they talked a lot too. ‘This happiness is a beautiful thing to watch,’ said Ace. ‘Ooh!’ They became best friends quite fast. Just like he and his late wife Felicity had become. Jim named the Remote Woman Kim the same name given to his mum. Jim liked heaps Kim’s small size. She wasn't cheap. She was plastic and light. And he liked a heap her smooth black square buttons and he loved her smooth round fire-hydrant-red ON/OFF (weep!) button that flashed and went, BEEEEEP. Too he liked a heap That her tiny electrical contacts were not dirty or corroded, and that her LCD screen hadn’t started to rot. Years and years zipped by. One night Kim stopped talking, stopped working, and 100 batteries had failed to turn her ON. Why? Dead she was. He felt extremely sad. How did she die? Well, that wasn't hard to figure out. Her circuit board had melted really bad. What did he do with Kim? Well, he buried her in the backyard with his dead wife and with his dead hound named Slim.