Purgatory

I try to act like I don’t care, but deep inside I cry, Under the mask I wear, love makes me feel so ugly, and I don’t know why. An entire life I lived, unwanted by those I have given my heart, Living in a world, crumbling and falling apart. Building up my walls from the rubble of the last, Being destroyed time and time again, not learning from my past. Just want to be wanted, needed, and to feel true love, But time and time again it gets taken away, so I curse the heavens above. No one understands the struggle I fight deep inside, No one will ever understand why I keep to myself, why I hide. I hold dear the story of Peter Pan, because I just want to fly away, But I hold a darker Beauty and the Beast dearer, because ugly is my way. Physical, emotional, mental ugliness, for all I have failed, On the train of life, wishing the train would just derail. Want to be forgotten, to be lost forever in this place, Wishing life would suck me up, and the world would forget my face. Depressed, saddened by the way things go down, When you see me I smile, but you turn away, I frown. It use to be “Oh look at the poor white boy, lets beat his ass…” Now it is “What a stupid and mean old man, don’t look at him as we pass.” My whole life, I have been found wanting...but what I will never find, I might as well be sitting in the dark, deaf, dumb and blind. I have been so close, but none as close as I have been of the late, In a downward spiral of love and hate, I live a purgatorial fate. I can’t breathe, which maybe a good thing at time, But I will end this poem, but isn’t life a crime?