Power
POWER
Dark words for me are words about fears, nightmares.
I simply don’t harbor dark thoughts towards anyone,
And my dark feelings are to do with powerful threats to me,
Often occurring when a child. As a child I was terrified
Of being abandoned by my mother, because as far as I could see
The world around her (and me) was a hostile place. I was powerless.
School of hard knocks : I have never feared abandonment
Since I was fourteen. As a teenager I was scared of being
Pursued by gangs of maurauding toughs in the inner city.
When you’ve been beaten up once you’re anxious to avoid it again.
Trained then in karate and judo, earned the power to be safe.
I am more scared now of being hurt accidentally
Because I will lose work and therefore have no income
Scary because ice and snow are more powerful than me.
Shame is a painful emotion often inflicted on powerless me at school
By holier-than-thou bigot-teachers who had not
An ounce of Christianity in their entire bone structure.
I detest their actions towards me even now.
But the motive which has driven me all my life,
And therefore my main area of dark thought is fear of failure.
This is the scariest thing to me. I hate to fail,
And I take extensive steps to avoid it, because it makes
Me seem less in my own eyes. As a result, I rarely fail;
And if do, I make absolutely sure it doesn’t happen again.
I will always want to have that power.
Copyright © Sidney Beck | Year Posted 2011
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