Poppin' On the Low

On and off I'm popping pills just to sleep And... The effects of them are steadily forcing me to grow weak After a few hours I'm still fighting the sedative Because... I'm afraid and these nights are too repetitive. But, my hands begin to tremor and my eyes start un-focusing Then... I feel an itch in my throat while my heart slows down again For some reason I'm fighting the urge to scream; Like... My heart's being compressed down so hard it's bursting at the seam. I'm fighting tears for the same reason I've been crying year after year And... I know I'm not thinking straight... But my sanity's not 100% here. I hate taking medicine because I don't understand what's up in my body But... I've resorted to poppin' since I'm up all day up all night like it's an ongoing party. Tempted to relocate a razor, sip some vodka, or induce this behavior. So... I exert those external thoughts towards the exit of my mind because they're a danger. I hold out until I come to the conclusion that I can no longer suppress the scream scratching at my throat... And... I turn up my music, grab my teddy bear, cry a bit, and just drift off in a place called Neverland on a boat Where all I feel is loneliness , violation, and fear Just... Screaming and crying out for someone with a listening ear. To come get this man up off of me, up out of me, take him away from me But... Just like then no one heard... No one cared... Not one bird... See. Even they flew in the opposite direction unaware of how much that hurt And... The pills keep me locked in that world until the last SKUUUUR-T moment. I awake either in the fetal position and/or with my heart pounding Then... I remember how I just saw myself trembling...shouting; I'm Crying, resisting, just trying to stop what always takes place When ... A male gets my vulnerable a** all alone, forcing me to taste The intense burning of masculine hands and a hint of trickled rage With... A side of familiar violations and fear cooked up with sage. A bitter meal made up of the tormented moments that draaaag on through the next meal So... Let's forget that disgusting platter and resort to popping pills Because no longer will I cut nor embrace hatred But... There's still sadness lingering around this let go.. tainted.. I won't hold these transgressions against men any longer Because... With their lusting hands and raspy commands among me I've become stronger.