Pie Eyed - For the Night Before Contest

Pie Eyed (for The Night Before Contest) Twas the night before Christmas and I’d lost me house I had to get home and sneak past me spouse She’d sent me to purchase a dozen mince pies I never expected to meet with the guys So kicking and screaming got dragged down the pub And entered the draw for a hamper of grub If I didn’t win, she’d find out my sin And my Christmas dinner would be in the bin Had a few beers and then a few more The tannoy announced it was time for the draw Yippee, I won it, but didn’t win big I opened the basket and had a good dig About as much use as a bucket of dung Biscuits for cheese, soup, pilchards and tongue Checked out the clock and resigned to my fate I staggered off home in a right wobbly state Not finding one’s house might seem rather bleak Perhaps I should mention we’d lived there a week And then there it was, front door open wide I nipped up the stairs once I’d nipped inside Then I found the bedroom door slightly ajar My wife’s standing there in her panties and bra But then I thought, ‘My wife ain’t got shapely thighs’ And that’s when her husband punched out me mince pies So blackened and bruised, with my own doorbell rung I suffered the wrath of my wife’s wicked tongue 28 November 2018 The Night Before Contest Sponsor - Joseph May