Paying the Fiddler

I was nineteen that summer when I met him at a buck-out, and I was totally smitten by all the Cowboy charm he had. I thought that he was rugged, (and undeniably handsome), then that bull slammed against the fence and busted him up pretty bad. I was surprised when he showed up at the dance, he was battered and bruised but smiling, and I heard him talking and laughing, still high from the rush of the ride. He said “You gotta’ pay the fiddler if you want to dance to his tune”, then he drifted across the floor, said “Let’s dance” as he reached my side. Mama told me I’d be sorry if I ignored her and took up with him, and I really hate to say it, but I guess that she was right. But when I review my memories I know I’d do it all again, for that “Eight Second Feeling” of our first long kiss that night. We used to dance for hours, in the kitchen and on the porch and laugh about owein’ that fiddler and what his pay would be. But lately there ain’t been no dancin’, just long strings of awkward silence, as his eyes look far and distant and not so much at me. Seems his spirit has grown uneasy, as I listen to him talking and realize it’s still Rodeo that truly holds his heart. Oh, I don’t mind coming in second, heck, life is like that sometimes. But knowing I’m invisible, well, that’s the hardest part. I suppose I should be angry, but I just can’t find it in me, ‘cause I know what it’s like to love something just that way. I felt it when I first saw him, in the arena and on the dance floor and I still feel it sometimes when I watch him walk away. I’ve helped him struggle to pay the fiddler, and it breaks my heart to see him weary, so I stand in silent acceptance, as I watch him pack his things. I understand his leaving, I know he won’t be coming back here, our life together, a lesson, one that time always seems to bring. I walk out past the horse pens, pull the gate shut…and I lock it, hear my mare start to nicker as the trailer pulls away. I’d like to say I’ll miss him, his past still holds my heart. But we danced to the fiddler’s tune and the final payment came due today.