One More Night, One Less Day

i stare at the screen and hope my thoughts make sense in words there's always some coherence in these poems if only i could find it. something seems to be missing from my picture there's a smile and eyes with laughter and life in it but i don't think no, i'm sure i'm not there. and in this apartment there are pets there are clothes there are belongings and living bodies who spend their nights here there is even love but i don't think no, i'm sure i'm not here. there's got to be something that i can photoshop in or buy at ikea to make me suddenly appear and the books that i read instead of appearing fill my head with magic while i try desperately to avoid reality. and i don't sleep until it's not night anymore but i wake up with things undone and though 12 beings surround me filled with love of different degrees i stay undone and nothing makes sense anymore i don't know why i continue to write only that i do and hope that something that comes spilling through this net will accurately capture what i cannot seem to express in words that do not have the poetic-air to them if i could do something right something with no consequences that might destroy me but something right i might feel real happiness again but now all there is is an echoing emptiness through which bounces the fake smiles and plastic laughs that are what they see and i wish i didn't sleep at all or never woke up but as it is this is one more night that will end in my tears and it is one less day where the sunlight can blind me to the truth of who i am "i forget how much i can hurt" i said to him as he held me as i shook with sobs "is it okay to hold you?" he asked before "yeah," i responded in between gasps, "when you hold me i don't have to be strong i have to be strong when i cry alone" so shall i spin you a tale of a life wasted or is it wasting away? or shall i just imbue my tears with words and hope when they fall they will mix in the right combination to say more than i can ever say here? i stare at the screen and hope my thoughts make sense in words there's always some coherence in these poems if only i could find it but i can't find it and so this goes out sans spell check because i know there are no spelling errors just errors in sense this is me in the moment raw no trying to be pretty just out here hoping someone will hear me and know what i'm trying to say do you? know? what i'm trying? to say? 'cause i don't.