Allison Kinzy | + Follow Poet |
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One More Night, One Less Day

i stare at the screen
and hope my thoughts make sense in words
there's always some coherence in these poems
if only i could find it.

something seems to be missing from my picture
there's a smile
and eyes with laughter
and life in it
but i don't think
no, i'm sure
i'm not there.
and in this apartment
there are pets
there are clothes
there are belongings
and living bodies who spend their nights here
there is even love
but i don't think
no, i'm sure
i'm not here.

there's got to be
something that i can photoshop in
or buy at ikea
to make me suddenly appear
and the books that i read instead
of appearing
fill my head with magic
while i try desperately
to avoid reality.

and i don't sleep until
it's not night anymore
but i wake up
with things undone
and though 12 beings surround me
filled with love of different degrees
i stay undone

and nothing makes sense anymore
i don't know why i continue to write
only that i do
and hope that something that comes spilling
through this net
will accurately capture
what i cannot seem to express
in words that do not have the
poetic-air
to them

if i could do something right
something with no consequences
that might destroy me
but something right
i might feel real happiness again
but now
all there is is an echoing emptiness
through which bounces the fake smiles
and plastic laughs
that are what they see

and i wish i didn't sleep at all
or never woke up
but as it is
this is one more night
that will end in my tears
and it is one less day
where the sunlight can blind me
to the truth
of who i am

"i forget
how much i can hurt"
i said to him as he held me
as i shook with sobs
"is it okay to hold you?"
he asked before
"yeah,"
i responded in between gasps,
"when you hold me i don't have to be strong
i have to be strong when i cry alone"

so shall i spin you a tale
of a life wasted
or is it wasting away?
or shall i just imbue my tears
with words
and hope when they fall
they will mix in the right combination
to say more than i can ever say here?

i stare at the screen
and hope my thoughts make sense in words
there's always some coherence in these poems
if only i could find it

but i can't find it
and so this goes out
sans spell check
because i know there are no
spelling errors
just errors in sense

this is me
in the moment
raw
no trying to be pretty
just out here
hoping someone will hear
me and know what i'm trying to say

do you?
know?
what i'm trying?
to say?

'cause i don't.

Copyright © Allison Kinzy | Year Posted 2007

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