Oldest daughter
As the oldest daughter, life comes with expectations and standards.
People expect perfection, a mature person to be standing before them, ready to be the prime example for the younger ones.
I stand before people, put on a pedestal that I do not deserve, nor do I want.
I smile and laugh, I speak for those who need to be spoken for, I tell them facts and teach them how to get through life.
I teach them ow the world works, how to do the things that aren't explained, I am the oldest daughter.
My hands must be claped neatly when I sit, when I walk I must walk perfectly with my back straight, when I eat it must be with such good manners everyone there would be impressed.
When I go out I must feel beautiful-or at least look the part, eyes must be drifting across my body-admiring my every move.
My face must be full of makeup, I must be dressed to please men and make them and others happy.
I mustn't speak out of turn, I am to keep quiet if I have an opinion and to make everyone pleased and happy around me.
Because I'm the oldest daughter.
Those around me must not see the tears shed at night, the nights I spend staying up until I can see the sun coming up because my mind wouldn't shut off from worrying.
Worrying about every small thing done or said, the looks given or words whispered nearby.
Being the oldest daughter is meant to be perfection-not a broken mess who doesn't understand herself.
I must shake peoples hands while being introduced proudly as somebody I am not.
I walk with a mask on, walls built up so high nobody has passed through them.
The times I so badly want to break down, the nights I just want to sit on the floor and be hugged by somebody who loves and cares about me.
One couldn't count the times I forced a smile, when I wanted to cry but had to pretend I was perfectly fine.
Because I'm the oldest duaghter, right?
The people who meet me don't see or hear what's behind the closed and locked bathroom door. They cannot see me sitting on the bathroom floor breaking apart-so quietly nobody could hear.
Not that somebody would care if they did hear-why would they when I'm the oldest daughter.
I must be the fun older sister, I must put others needs before my own, ignoring my anxious thoughts and continuing through the day forcing every thought away until night.
Because I'm just the oldest daughter...Right?
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