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Ode to a Blunt Affect

Wind cuts to my feelings of indifference
for my impaired emotionless state
air freezing my facial expression 
glad of the change in environment
but can not seem to express it
living on my own like a hermit
any difference in my normal 
is like water to a dying plant
Eager to spread roots and limbs
and to bask in the warm sun 
It would be a reprieve like a
stay of execution to a convict
But here I lay or sit or stand or pace
doesn't matter which I do or don't
in a drowsy state of mind
befuddled from the medicine 
as much cure as curse
Screaming inside for relief but 
serotonin won't open my mouth 
or form the facial expression
trapped in an alternate reality
not sure if the old one was
really worth letting go of
not sure where to go from here
because I have been down this one before
too many times before I fall flat
either into overwhelming emotions
without medication or not enough
or back in a dull labotimized state of mind
how to go on standing on a double edged sword
the thing that I miss most is 
the thing that can save me 
- inspiration???
words leave my mouth with thought
but no passion involved
leaving friends and family wanting more
but more I can't provide
I feel so inept
I feel so cowardly
I feel so unworthy
I feel so lost in my own mind
Amid all this is the growing concern
I will die lying down without a concern
where I end up afterwards 
- Heaven or hell,
for either will be a welcome relief
from nothing

Copyright © | Year Posted 2019

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