No More Doom and Gloom: Mary's Story

People say my poetry is mostly doom and gloom But I’m a funny person and I’ll prove it to you soon My wit and sharp ripostes are a constant delight Let’s see if I can tell this story to prove I’m right. I had three friends who loved booze And the only time they didn’t imbibe Was when they had passed out Or were taking an alcoholic snooze Each died doing what they loved Drinking, sipping and guzzling Johnny was a straight-forward drunk Mary took refined and dainty lady-like slips And Tommy was an out-and-out guzzler Here are their stories, one by one Pull up a chair and sit, let’s get to it. Dear Mary! So refined and dainty So lady-like in her behavior and thinking Especially when she was drinking She’d take a lady-like sip and gently wipe away Any liquor residue on her lips without delay She’d raise her very favorite carafe To refill her dainty gold-etched antique glass Mary’s elbow-bending was poetry in motion Her pinky extended her glass up-ended At an angle she felt was fashionable For admiring gentlemen who’d not feel offended When she drank them under the table Her company (tres chic) an inspiration But, Quelle domage! One evening Mary took a sip And it went down to where it shouldn’t She couldn’t speak so couldn’t call for help Her swift departure was the tragic result I wondered what dear Mary was thinking At the end, I surmise it might have been this: “I didn’t take an unrefined nip Nor an undainty unlady-like sip How inconvenient this is, such a bother Dear me. Oh, Pooh. Oh Pish!” A couple of weeks went by Before dear Mary was found When the policeman opened her door His eyes rolled backwards as he fell over While the landlord ran for cover Mary’s very favorite carafe And her dainty gold-etched antique glass Sat on her cherished Victorian table But the mess in the rest of the room was incredible Mary here, Mary there, Mary, Mary everywhere Spreading across the parquet floor with unhurried flair Like a forgotten and unchecked plumbing drip But at a refined and dainty very lady-like clip. EPILOGUE: Never inhale while upending your glass But if you should happen to do so Whether sipping or dripping Be sure and do it with class.