Night Terrors Reconsidered
as a child, i had them terribly --
night terrors.
they came to me about the same
as i slept: something menacing choking me;
while i'd be lying down, sitting, standing or running away;
just nameless, faceless, bodiless
hands ....
i'd wake up clutching my throat with one hand,
reaching out with the other hand
and mumbling. strangely, i would feel exhilarated
with the awful terror.
i used to believe the dreams were demons or monsters
trying to get me. as i grew older, a peace began to fill me
and the dreams became fewer and fewer ....
something happened with the change.
i started to have a different kind of repetitious dream:
nameless, faceless
men and women --
together, as a trio or in groups --
caressing me with their hands and choking me,
choking me ....
i'd wake up exhilarated
with my hands around my neck.
older and more educated, i started to realize
that i might have sleep apnea
and my dreams were just a subconcious response,
but
i did take innocent pleasure in it.
afterall, i was either celibate
or just seeing someone -- in or out of reality.
one day, it happened -- love.
i became engaged,
got married,
still dreamed on ...
guilt.
now, i wanted my childhood night terrors back --
still be exhilarated --
but (inhale, exhale)
be monogamous.
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