My Suppression of Suicide
I sat there,
"My God, I can't take another day"
my mind cried;
My heart was so cold and black...
"Look at yourself",
I looked in the mirror...
"You have turned into a Monster,
you are no longer living,
You are a zombie."..
"You love him so much,
but look at what is happening"...
Life isn't worth living...
This is not love,
this is not what I want out of Life,
This is Madness...
"Does he really love you?"...
Yes, he does---
I don't know...
He doesn't stop me from the things I do...
All I know is I really love him...
I want to Die!!!
But what would he do?..
What would he feel,
if he found me dead here?..
I wrote this little note 11-14-1996 that night:
Telling him I love him and will always love him...
I don't want to die and hurt him,
if I killed myself,
"Then it would hurt him!"..
I wished he really believed me...
I wish this nightmare would go away...
Why can't he accept the fact that I'll never leave him?..
How do I know he'll stay?..
I know how he feels,
I know why he feels the way he does about me...
I feel the same...
Why am I repeating
this stupid feeling of rejection?..
Why, do I care if he leaves me or not?..
I got a nice spot to be buried, somewhere..
I know the other side is much better...
I'll get a new body, another life...
I don't want to die unloved...
I don't want to die alone...
I don't want to hurt someone I love...
Maybe he'll join me,
maybe he won't...
Whatever he chooses,
I'll never stop loving him...
I'll wait for him forever...
He'll blame himself if I die...
But it's not his fault...
I should of spoken up...
We both should of been more open...
We should of communicated more...
I don't know?..
I guess we were really scared of one another!!!
"Feelings of Death" 11-14-1996
Copyright © Tina Menser | Year Posted 2012
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