My Suppression of Suicide

I sat there, "My God, I can't take another day" my mind cried; My heart was so cold and black... "Look at yourself", I looked in the mirror... "You have turned into a Monster, you are no longer living, You are a zombie.".. "You love him so much, but look at what is happening"... Life isn't worth living... This is not love, this is not what I want out of Life, This is Madness... "Does he really love you?"... Yes, he does--- I don't know... He doesn't stop me from the things I do... All I know is I really love him... I want to Die!!! But what would he do?.. What would he feel, if he found me dead here?.. I wrote this little note 11-14-1996 that night: Telling him I love him and will always love him... I don't want to die and hurt him, if I killed myself, "Then it would hurt him!".. I wished he really believed me... I wish this nightmare would go away... Why can't he accept the fact that I'll never leave him?.. How do I know he'll stay?.. I know how he feels, I know why he feels the way he does about me... I feel the same... Why am I repeating this stupid feeling of rejection?.. Why, do I care if he leaves me or not?.. I got a nice spot to be buried, somewhere.. I know the other side is much better... I'll get a new body, another life... I don't want to die unloved... I don't want to die alone... I don't want to hurt someone I love... Maybe he'll join me, maybe he won't... Whatever he chooses, I'll never stop loving him... I'll wait for him forever... He'll blame himself if I die... But it's not his fault... I should of spoken up... We both should of been more open... We should of communicated more... I don't know?.. I guess we were really scared of one another!!! "Feelings of Death" 11-14-1996