My Dismal Reality

Having loved ones is an incredibly comforting feeling, but when you enter the vast landscape of the mind and see only depression and despair, you become aware that you are alone in your misery. Clinging to the last threads of sanity It feels as if you are spiraling into a bottomless black abyss. All sense of responsibility, joy, hope, drive, ambition and any concern for life are gone like a whisp of smoke. There is no comfort offered when looking deeply into who you are. Everything that you once held dear seems so pointless in the eternal perspective of time. There is no escape from the futility of it all. Will I make a difference or at least be a descent human being. If I do, what difference will it make. Countless times have I looked into the never ending realm of insanity and longed to leap into its welcoming arms. I can think of no greater blessing than to lose one's capacity for self awareness. Would I fall for all eternity or through the destructive force of madness find normalcy. It all seems so hopeless. Some say life passes so fast that you should cherish every moment. But, living out the drudgery of each day seems an eternity to me. If I focus hard enough my minds eye sees exactly who I am. I have a self loathing, over burdened, depressingly active, mentally challenged, sarcastic, twisted thinking process. Process usually indicates order. Not in my case. My mind plumets into a cold unfeeling wasteland that sends me into fearful fits of confusion where I am overwhelmed with unrelenting incomparable anger. I ponder an escape , but I realize I am destined to wallow in the company of despair and futility for all eternity and deservedly so. Then it finally dawns on me that through my foolish decisions and self destructive actions I have fulfilled my mission in life to be a stench filled mass of human waste. I grieve for those who know the loneliness I feel when journeying into the depths of the seemingly twisted internal machinations of my mind. It is the only place that in all respects you are truly alone. I no of no other place where hopelessness reigns as it does in the deep recesses of who I am. It makes me wonder if I might be God's only mistake.