My 8 Year Old Self

Is she proud of me? Is she proud of me that i continued on like she told me too? Is she proud of me? Because i did what she asked me to do. I moved on. Through the tough and the fuss. I put some sass in my step and walked through everything with my head high. Is she proud of me? My 8 year old self. The one that was beat and used. The one that laid starving on her bed, begging for help while he.... touched her. Is she proud of me for turning 17 and almost graduating school? Is she proud of me for standing up for myself when my father hits me? Its what she wanted me to do. To stand up for myself when someone lays a hand on me. To protect myself at all cost because no one else ever will. Is she proud of me? Hey, if you are, thank you. I bet you wanna know that i stand up for myself now. I bet you wanna know that our little brother also stands up for me. I bet you wanna know that someone finally loves me. I bet you wanna know that... i have anxiety attacks and panic attacks.... I bet you wanna know that i almost killed myself a few times cause of what happened to us. I bet you wanna know that the family still hates me.. Yeah... I have to pretend to be happy just like them. Remember when you would want to hang out with them but once you walked into the same room as them they got quiet and didn't talk till you left? They still do that... They laugh louder and talk more when im not around just like they did with you. But i bet you wanna know whats been going on. Our little brother and i are best friends again. We are inseparable again and without each other we are like a flower without the sun. I bet you wanna know that there is this guy that actually likes us. Yes i told him everything.... and i mean everything.. But he accepts us. I bet you wanna know what he feels like and what he looks like... haha me too. I'm turning 18 soon... I'm sure you are proud of me.. Im sure of it cause you wanted me to move on and prove them wrong. You wanted me to push through it all and live a better life. And trust me i will, i will. We deserve that much at least, right? I know you are proud of me. Thanks for making me take that promise. To: my 8 year old self.