Mother and Daughter

I wake to hear you crying, calling out to me. I wearily open my eyes, it’s only half past 3. I sigh, roll over, cover my ears, trying to ignore. But your persistent need for me, just grows more and more. Eventually I go to you, and see you’ve wet the bed. I feel bad making you wait so long, but these nights fill me with dread. I clean you up and change the sheets, get you a small drink. I go to leave, but you reach for me. And my heart starts to sink. I climb into bed beside you and cuddle you in close. I’m exhausted but I know it’s now, that you need me the most. I push your hair away from your eyes, and slowly stroke your face. Sing to you a lullaby, the song Amazing Grace. Eventually you settle and we get much needed rest. Some nights feel worse than others, our very own endurance test. Your night-time escapades don’t stop you waking with the sun. I sigh, remembering a time when my life was more fun. I help you dress, and you complain about the clothes I choose. I ask you to pick for yourself, but of course you refuse. You watch tv and there is peace, if only for a while. You sing along to the music, and I cannot help but smile. I take you out for dinner and have to cut up your food. You spill your drink, a woman tuts, people can be so rude. I long for the future when this is not the case. But immediately feel guilty when I see your innocent face. We go home and I give you a bath, and everything’s wrong for you. The shampoo hurts, the water’s cold, and then you need a poo! Finally, your pyjamas are on, and I settle you down to sleep. You fight it, I am so drained, I feel like I could weep. I know I should enjoy this time, but sometimes it’s so tough. I love you so much, but I wonder, if I am enough. I’m lucky just to have you here, and I know that one day. I will look back and regret, wishing your life away. Eventually you fall asleep, and I creep out the door. Into my own bed exhausted, I can’t do this anymore. I find myself daydreaming, remembering a time long gone. Cos even though you’re still alive, God how I miss you, Mum.