Me

I was born to be a survivor and a fighter. That's why I became a writer. As a child the physical abuse I endured. Being a baby it was pretty absurd. The child of recovering addicts. Even one that still until recently would slip. Watching a parent leave to get high. My love to my siblings I did supply. Growing up to verbal, mental and emotional abuse. These are the reasons some things I did choose. It started off with some self harm. Then people started to notice my arms. I needed something not as noticeable because of sports. These marks were visible in shorts. So I discovered drinking and it drowned by pain. But an addiction is all I did gain. At 14 I began to be moving from place to place. And the truth of my feelings my mother couldn't face. But none of this changed my ambition. Sports and school I was still highly driven. Coming out of the closet at this same time. My mother made it seem like it was a crime. I was being honest with myself. I put myself high on my shelf. Goals were created although my drinking was still around. But that wouldnt stop me, I kept my feet on the ground. A few times I did end up having to go away. But those places, sometimes I wanted to stay. As life continued I excelled in my sports and was an average student. Never from school was I ever truant. My parents thought it was weird I rather be in school. But the treatment at home I didnt want to accrue. Continued to bounce from home to home. But I always found someone no matter where I did roam. Time went by and I was done with the lies. So one day I picked up and said my good-byes. I joined the Army to begin my own life. All my insecurities and my hatred for myself I had to fight. I was given a new chance at life to be the real me. Although some people wouldnt agree. After graduation, I went home where I still didn't live with my parents. I was a stronger person inside and out and this was apparent. But still my loneliness of the love I craved from my mother. It still would creep up, and it took over so here came life of another. I began to experiment with drugs, it was my cover up for the pain. I felt unloved by the people I wanted to love me most, which I still did not gain. I was happy when I wasnt in reality. But one day, my grandma got sick and my life needed clarity. It took until 2008, after 4 years of the things I did. To realize I needed to be around and not wind up dead. I'll never say I didnt have support, but the one that I wanted never came through. So the separation between us two grew. More types of abuse was experienced, none of the type I've already mentioned. But I figured if I ever said anything I would be told it was for attention. The darkness that grew in my head. These three separate incidents made me want to be dead. Two weeks before my hero, my grandmother had died. I was forced to move to Pennsylvania and all I did was cried. I began to drink more because my life was slowly being torn apart. The death of my grandmother tore up my heart. I gained so much weight and hated myself even more. I couldnt find the happy me even deep in the core. So I did everything to try and fill that void. Even if it meant that my happiness had to be destroyed. I was away one weekend with my unit who hated me for being so strong. I was a month away from deployment and one guy made me feel so wrong. More abuse endured by someone that was supposed to be a friend. That's when my stay in PA had to end. My paternal grandparents then got sick. They didnt pass immediately but it was pretty quick. I packed up and left to try to be with them before they passed. For me to move to Virginia my grandmother always asked. By the time I got there she had already left us on earth. But my grandfather was still around, and the move I took it for all it was worth. The best move i have ever made. Although I have family that are mad I have stayed. But this was for me, I'm not glad my grandparents got sick. But maybe that was life's one little trick. The one to get me where I needed to be. To get me to find and love the real me. I've been off drugs except for weed for twelve years. If I was still in MA I would have covered up more tears. People think I'm being selfish. But for me to be independent and happy its what I always did wish. Even when people judge me and call me names. Yes I'm not gonna lie on my inside it sometimes sets a flame. But that's because people are too quick to judge. But because of their believes they wont want to budge. But I've learned through life that when people aren't happy with themselves. They want to be bullies even as an adult because they hate theirselves. It makes them feel better to talk about another. So their hate and insecureness of themselves can be smothered. But I am me, I am independent, and hard headed. But I've endured quite a bit, although my past I still have not shredded. I'm strong and confident. And I have no problem giving someone else a compliment. Love while you can and learn from your past. Because your living life on earth is not going to forever last. Love with all that you have and help when you can. And always remember to try and have a plan.