Leftovers
Laptop Note Leftovers
things I am currently stressed about:
this feeling i have
this. i found this today. i was going about my life and i found this.
i make lists about things
that make me anxious and i delete them when they have been resolved or i’ve moved on.
this was never deleted. i’m worried i may never delete it.
this was given to me by you.
the feeling you have left me with comes with a bitter taste in the back of my throat, a smell like leftovers that have been rotting in my fridge because i have barely had the capability to get out of bed let alone eat food, a hate for people who remind me of you, an inability to blink when i see you from a distance. i can’t even shake you when i’m alive and well and happy.
every once in a while, i will feel beyond it, beyond you, and then a small minuscule insignificant thing pushes me back into
that dusty feeling again, the one that makes me feel unclean and unmotivated,
you have made me flinch at people with the same name you hold, you have made me see humanity in a darker light, and i only have you to blame for that, because i refuse to blame myself for it any longer.
i’m hoping that one day i can delete this list,
That one day i will write my last poem about you
(because i’ve written more poems about you than about the people i have loved and do love and i need to stop)
that day may not be today but it will be someday and someday soon because i can feel myself accept my anger rather than resist it, accept that the world isn’t the problem,
you
are.
you are the problem and while you may not be doing anything
on purpose,
you are still to blame, you are still responsible for your actions, it may be that the power given to you by society and by those around us make you say and do the things that you do without you intending to inflict me harm, but it was still you.
no one else did it.
you did.
And for today, that’s enough for me to hang onto to know that the world still has my back and can still be bright and can taste sweet and smell pleasant and make me smile
Despite your existence in it.
Copyright © Claire Ryan | Year Posted 2019
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