Lately

Lately I’ve been a little lost in crevasses 
And unable to stop the type of thought that crosses. 
Ashamed at actions recent, decently embarrassed,
Even though forgiven by those who are better than good and fairest. 
And bits of moments play one at a time 
Reminding me of the black ooze and slime 
On my soul I feel when I get anxiously high. 
But it haunts even on days when my bowls and glasses are dry. 
I can’t shake the shame 
That I’ve now sewn to my name 
Essentially anxiety’s claim 
My stomach, heart, and mind I can’t tame. 

Lately I had been feeling so blessed 
And maybe that’s why I gave in to chaotic unrest. 
The aftermath of feeling a fool
For realizing I had been such a ridiculous tool 
Has me in complete loathing of self 
And despising the bottles on my shelf. 
But what should be expected when all I drink is poison solutions 
Usually straight, as I’m not a fan of dilutions. 
And though I did nothing wrong as far as moral mistake 
The embarrassment, shame, and self-hatred won’t give me a break. 
I sweat myself to non-sleep as I wait day’s breaking light 
And keep myself awake with nausea and headaches despite restless nights. 

This sickening root system in my pit
Is likely going to stick around, grow for a bit. 
It will all fade eventually with time, and given a touch of luck 
Lately though I’m reminded, maybe I put up a good front…
But damn do I suck.

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