It Saw Me, But I Didn'T See It Coming

wondering how you could sleep so peacefully in my bed or arms while knowing the damage it’s doing. wondering if whatever game you’re playing is worth losing one if not two people that care for you so deeply. wondering what’s going on in your dreamscape while i lie awake watching missed call after missed call pop up and disappear on your phone. wondering when you’re going to learn that you cannot always get what you want and keep what you had because life just doesn’t work that way and then realizing that if you’re not going to learn now, then when? wondering why i needed to be the one to teach you this lesson almost as if meeting me was your karma and in a way you were mine too. wondering if sticking around may have been the biggest mistake we’d made in our story, because the timing was too precise for us to claim the word goodbye. too many synchronicities, too many glimpses of us in each other to have not met. as if after blooming in chaos, we found solace in each other felt the warmth and light and breeze took a break from this reality and went to our own only to get lost in the disease that is unrequited hope all because we didn’t know how to be broken on our own. wondering if maybe we got attached to the knowledge that we were both drowning and we knew the other person was drowning but neither of us could do anything. and yes, perhaps finding peace in the fact that we were drowning together is what inevitably kicked the typewriter off the table and slaughtered the writer. wondering if believing “i water you, you water me we help each other grow” turned into “i’m dying, and you’re dying but at least we know we’re together and comfortable”. wondering if we’ll ever figure it out. ~r.a