In the Chill of An Open Door

Cleaning out my refrigerator, an ice cube slides to the floor startling the cat, and interrupting a locomotive of thought that often tracks me down in a beam of light--- Today it streams through a window, where everything seems marred, by doubt, and dust, crusts of ice and sticky jello spilled on a glassy shelf. Oh, not the first time, this revelation of light, I've had it before while kneeling on the floor as I do now, and many times that I've knelt on a floor, to clean up my messes,... praying for help, praying for light, praying for forgiveness... and now on the floor to sponge up melting ice, water and tears Raising a young family...a life so demanding... Caring and nursing...two sides of the coin... My father and children....my husband caught between... It wasn't the impossible...but was never enough... The time took a toll....why did it seem cold....as cold as the ice? Could I have held out?.... Could I have been stronger?... A little while longer.... I shiver with memory,... or is it guilt, and regret? Regret, perhaps shame? Is it only the chill of the open fridge door? Or is it more?... So much more? Hmm, interesting metaphor, "a open door".......... did I leave it open long enough,... wide enough? Did I do all I could? All I should ? Was I patient enough? Was I all I could be? Was I tough enough to watch someone linger, lingering on, I ponder it now... Difficult years......but a fraction of life, is how it appears,.... Now looking back.... black fades to gray.. but it comes back in spades, to haunt me today A little while longer..... I could have been stronger.... _________________________________________________________