I'm Not in Kansas Anymore

(Mimic the song..."If I Only Had A Brain" by the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz) I could be so independent So lavish and resplendent Just a player in the game I would wield mighty powers And be mesmerized for hours If I only knew my name Oh nothing's getting clearer This stranger in the mirror Every day it's just the same I don't think I'm Richard Nixon It's my brain that needs a fixin' If I only knew my name I must have washed up on the shore I'm not in Kansas anymore Tell me who am I to blame Am I a winner or a loser Am I sober or a boozer If I only knew my name Who's my father and my mother Have I sister and a brother To remember is the aim Was I born just an orphan Or was I metamorphin' If I only knew my name Were there starlets I was meetin' Or did I take a beatin' A sad history or fame Did I grow up in the gutter Only eating peanut butter If I only knew my name It would be an inspiration If I got an invitation By the Queen or Royal Dame All my senses would be tinglin' When they crowned me King of England If I only knew my name Would I do it all for spite Is it wrong or is it right Let me tell you it's a shame Do I love 'em or I hate 'em Is that my one ultimatum If I only knew my name I would wave my country's banners And practice proper manners Not to do so is so lame I would call no gal a heifer Or a guy a mother effer If I only knew my name Am I a true brainiac Or a total maniac This confusion I must tame I may need some absolution In a mental institution If I only knew my name From the summer through the fall I kept trying to recall But the memory never came Am I coming am I going There's just no way of knowing If I only knew my name When I stand I'm dizzy still There has got to be a pill Guess I may go down in flame This must be some strange disease Won't somebody help me please If I only knew my name Well I feel so out of place I want to join the human race So now I'm here to stake my claim And I'm hopin' and believin' That one day this fog is leavin' If I only knew my name