If Only

We don’t call it a situationship,
but it lives in that space.
between almost and maybe,
between love and a placeholder name.

He says he loves me.
Says he wants forever,
says he wants to build.

Says, “Don’t leave.”
And I whisper back,
“I won’t.”
Because God, I don’t want to.

It sounds beautiful,
until the beauty comes with conditions.

Because then he looks at me
like I’m a dream
with an asterisk.

Like I’m enough,
but not entirely.

He says things like,
“If only you were smaller…”

And maybe he thinks it’s harmless,
maybe he thinks it’s motivation,
maybe he thinks it’s just words.

But it’s never just words.

It’s a quiet kind of violence
to be held by someone
who keeps imagining you different.

It’s not the sentence that cuts,
it’s the meaning underneath it.

It’s the way it tells my mind,
“You are loved…
but not as you are.”

He sees someone else,
someone smaller with curves,
and suddenly I’m a comparison.

“If only you looked like that…”

As if my body is a problem
he’s patiently waiting to solve.

And I start wondering…

Do you love me,
or do you love the version of me
you think you can earn?

Do you love my laughter,
my heart,
my softness…

but not the softness
that lives on my skin?

Because listen...

If I am not worthy
in this body,

then I will never be worthy
in another one.

If I am not enough
right now,

then I will not become enough
just because the scale agrees with you.

Because what happens when I meet my goals?

What happens when I am smaller?

Do you get to love me louder then?

Do you get to claim me proudly then?

Do you get to deserve me
only after I shrink?

No.

If you cannot hold me
whole…

then you do not get me
halfway.

Because I am not a “before.”

I am not a “fix.”

I am not a woman you love
with exceptions.

I am not a body
you tolerate
until it becomes easier to want.

I am here.
Now.

And if I am not worthy
as I stand…

Then you will not be worthy
when I rise.

appreciationdeepfeelingsi amspoken word

♡Like0

Poem

Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.