I Wonder

To the memory of my brother Sometimes, I sit all alone And think of you. I close my eyes- Close them tightly And remember sitting beside you on those wooden buses that only Apia still has I see you lying on the old bedframe without a mattress And taste the fizzy-sweet Coca-Cola you’d buy for me I hear your laughter as I smile At the memories of running after you with a broom And all your long prayers at lotu* time Prayers. When I think of prayers I think of you even more. I wonder I really wonder If I said enough of them for you while they still counted. Brother, Did you know I prayed? Prayed every day and every night for you? I wonder, did you feel my prayers? Even on that last night in your cold motel room Dripping with despair Did you know I was praying? Did you wonder, even? I wonder, more than anything If As you took your life You considered not doing it Maybe…just for me? Just to keep the promise you made that I’d never be alone Or did you just go...? Without even wondering If I was wondering Where you were? Sometimes, I sit all alone And think of you. *Samoan word meaning 'evening worship'