I Wonder
To the memory of my brother
Sometimes,
I sit all alone
And think of you.
I close my eyes-
Close them tightly
And remember sitting beside you on those wooden buses that only Apia still has
I see you lying on the old bedframe without a mattress
And taste the fizzy-sweet Coca-Cola you’d buy for me
I hear your laughter as I smile
At the memories of running after you with a broom
And all your long prayers at lotu* time
Prayers.
When I think of prayers I think of you even more.
I wonder
I really wonder
If I said enough of them for you while they still counted.
Brother,
Did you know I prayed?
Prayed every day and every night
for you?
I wonder, did you feel my prayers?
Even on that last night in your cold motel room
Dripping with despair
Did you know I was praying?
Did you wonder, even?
I wonder, more than anything
If
As you took your life
You considered not doing it
Maybe…just for me?
Just to keep the promise you made that I’d never be alone
Or did you just go...?
Without even wondering
If I was wondering
Where you were?
Sometimes,
I sit all alone
And think of you.
*Samoan word meaning 'evening worship'
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