I Wish I Were Nicolas Cage

Well, he's goofy and gangly and thin up on top And his real last name once began with a "Cop" But I don't give a hoot about all of that 'Cause his box office draw's made his wallet grow fat. If you listen quite closely to how this bloke talks And you then watch how oddly he lists when he walks Why, you'd think to yourself he'd be good as a clown But I'm not trying here to just put the man down. He's admitted that comics were where he got "Cage" And his movies have made that fake name all the rage. I've not kept a close count on how many there are, But I tell you, my brothers, his fame extends far. See, he's got this charisma that can't be denied Plus a talent for acting that's as high as it's wide. And he likes to take risks, gotta respect him for that, Using methods that sometimes will end up falling flat. One is called, NOUVEAU SHAMANIC, a phrase all his own, And, then, WESTERN KABUKI, at which you might groan. So his style's informed by the books that he reads And he'll work it to death, or until it just bleeds. It's a high wire act but with no safety net; His unwavering panache makes me jealous, you bet. Though I've tried my damned best to perform like this jock On the set I'm as lame as a bump on a rock. See, I've wanted to act since I was in 5th Grade But allowed time to pass, maybe one whole decade Before trodding the boards once again on the stage So far back in the days when there was no Nick Cage. I was hamming it up before Nick changed his name Unsuccessfully striving to get in the game. But to date Central Casting is as far as I've gone; About all I've done there is to camp out on their lawn. So I've hatched me a plan, will you please hear me out? Take the shillings you're saving for Nick's latest flick And, instead of enriching that overgrown lout Send them here to yours truly, and best make it quick.